Can Rich Pampered Celebrities Please Stop Whining About Racism?

Racism is awful and it should be stamped out wherever it rears its ugly head. But I think we can all agree that the demand for racism has started to exceed supply. There’s now a whole swathe of celebrities complaining about racism when it didn’t even happen.

The best example of this was Jussie Smollet. Remember him? A pampered Hollywood actor who wanted to feel the raw hatred of racism so much that he organised his own lynching. He employed two men, Abimbola Osundairo and Olabinjo Osundairo to attack him. Now I’ve been all over this beautiful world of ours and I’ve never met a white supremacist called Abimbola or Olabinjo. Jussie hired two Nigerian lads to beat him up, pour bleach on him and put a noose around his neck.

Now Jussie is gay so maybe if he went to certain parts of Africa that might very well be the outcome. But not in Chicago. Chicago is so gay it’s even got one of the most popular musicals in history named after it. And Elton John in the middle of a 12 man gang bang is straighter than a musical.

But at least Jussie believes in diversity and hired Nigerians for the role of white supremacist because if the 21st century has taught us anything it’s that you can identify as anything you want. Men can identify as women. Women can identify as men and 2 massive Nigerian lads can identify as members of the KKK.

Racism doesn’t just mean being hateful and discriminatory to minorities anymore, racism can also mean just being white in the same room as someone who isn’t white.

BBC Radio presenter Nihal Arthanayake has said an “overwhelmingly white working environment is affecting his mental health”.

I know how he feels. Last week I went into a Caribbean restaurant and noticed I was the only white person there, as a result of my horrendous experience I had a breakdown and was carted off to the looney bin. It was very upsetting being carried out of Rasta Jimmy’s Chicken Shack wearing a straitjacket whilst screaming the words “Black, black, black. My eyes!!!!” It was awful - I’ll never be the same again.

When I was released back into the community I got my lawyer to send the restaurant a strongly worded email explaining that when I have my goat curry with rice and peas I need to have at least one white person to look at as it calms me down. If there’s no white people in a place I start to feel a bit anxious. The way a dog does if its owner leaves it outside a supermarket for too long.

It reminded me of that awful time I went on holiday to Namibia. When my plane landed, I immediately had a breakdown and had to be taken home by air ambulance. I was signed off work for the rest of the year and had an exclusion order implemented so that black people couldn’t come within a 10 metre radius of me. It’s the only way to stop racism.

Obviously I’m joking but Nihal sadly wasn’t. The insane thing about his complaint is that there is an over representation of ethnic minorities in the BBC. 42% of the BBC’s employees are from an ethnic minority background and only 18% of the UK population are ethnic minorities. The BBC is now so diverse that all straight white men are identifying as neurodivergent just to get a foot in the door. Although if Nihal is surrounded by autistic men I can understand why he might feel uncomfortable. It’s never easy sharing a space with men who see the world in the same way as the Terminator.

There’s nothing millionaire celebrities love more than pretending that they’re a victim. The Queen of this or should I say Duchess is Meghan Markle. Meghan represents the American dream. She came from a normal background, became a Hollywood actress and then married a prince. That is the journey most little girls and gay men dream about. Yet Meghan sees victimhood at every turn.

Apparently speculating on the colour of her unborn baby is racism. It’s not racism. There is no one on this planet who isn’t fascinated by what the offspring of a mixed race woman and a ginger would look like. Who wouldn’t want to see what an afro tangerine looks like? My bet is that even though the kid might have curly hair and be a quarter black, it won’t be able to get a tan. 2 minutes in the sun and it’d come back looking like a really angry pimple. James Hewitt’s ginger genes are very strong.

Meghan and Harry have monetised this egregious remark into podcasts and Netflix series making their persecution seem as horrific and vile as Apartheid South Africa. There were even rumours that little Archie would have to use a different water fountain at Buckingham Palace.

Archie is going to be just fine. He’s rich, a descendant of royalty and he’s white. Of course he’s white. He’s called Archie for heaven’s sake. It doesn’t get much whiter than that. It’s not like they called him Dequon. Although that would have been hilarious although not as funny as if they had called him Muhammad. Now that really would’ve given Charles an aneurysm. Imagine hearing the words “Arise King Dequon Mohammed the first”. It’d be worth it just to see the Daily Mail headlines.

The most egregious example of the race card being played is when Bill Cosby’s legal team overturned the numerous convictions against him and declared it “justice for black America”. Now black America has faced many horrific historical injustices but I don’t think Bill Cosby being convicted of horrendous sexual offences is one of them. I can’t imagine that many black people saw Bill Cosby’s trial and went “we lost a good man there”.

More people would trust their teenage daughter with Harvey Weinstein than Bill Cosby. Although Cosby is so old now that if he did try and put rohypnol in your drink he’d forget which one it was and end up date raping himself. That’s the problem with being a prolific sex offender. It’s a young man’s game.

The other awful thing about the sex offender community is that women are disgustingly underrepresented. Until we have females offending at the same rate as males then we’ll be continuing to live in a patriarchy. As we all know there is no difference between men and women so why aren’t there more female sex offenders? And by the way the odd PE teacher shagging their 16 year old pupil ain’t going to cut it. Up your game ladies!

We all know that racism still exists but thankfully it's dying a slow and painful death. The horrible events of the previous centuries will hopefully be a thing of the past and if racism wasn’t dying out then would a gay black man really have to pay a couple of bit part actors to organise a lynching? But then if Anne Boleyn wife of Henry 8th can be played by a black actress then why can’t Abimbola and Olabinjo be white supremacists? And if reality doesn’t matter then maybe Meghan is right to be offended by an innocuous enquiry into the colour of her unborn child and maybe convicting one of the most notorious celebrity rapists is an act of racism.

To paraphrase a great man. “It’s progress Jim just not as we know it”.

My debut book “Classroom Confidential” is now available to preorder.